Bozo the clown , known currently as the " Lord Mayor of london " has recently announced that he is seeking to become a Member of Parliament in 2015 . Could it be that he knows the game of Blind Man's Bluff , is OVER ? Everything that he has promised is still virtually UNDELIVERED ! Each year funds brought down to be spent , are in many cases returned to the exchequer , UNSPENT !
Far from being the champion of Cyclists , he appears to be the blight that has seen Failure to Deliver , THRIVE ! Who follows him ? Can they be any worse ?
The iten following appears to highlight the malaise that Cyclists currently endure :
" A day in the life of a British transport officer: "
"Hi there! Welcome to our lovely new cycle-safe British roundabout. On your bike yeah? OK, get off the road via this dangerous kerb onto a shared path that requires you to do a 90 degree turn. Obey all the signs telling you that you are of inferior status to pedestrians and must give way to them so that they feel entitled to shout abuse at you even when you're using the designated shared path. Let me show you our lovely toucan crossing for bikes. Take a seat for a few minutes whilst we let fresh air go past just in case a car might come by. Oh, now you're at the crossing would you mind awfully dismounting for no reason whatsoever. So you have to do that at each arm of the junction you need to cross.
Ready to get back on the road? Right, we've helpfully placed a glass and oil-covered kerb at a right angle so you can swing right out in front of that lorry that can't see you behind all the 'give way to pedestrians' 'cyclists dismount' and 'no cycling' signs and that lovely tree we planted to make the design look pretty. We helpfully ensured that the carriageway narrows just after the junction, so any drivers coming through will think they have space to overtake you safely when they don't. Just remember your body is a traffic-calming measure to make sure that both you and the drivers around you feel anything other than calm, just keep on riding and they'll slow down. Ahem.
When you're back on the road, make your way on the pothole and debris covered cycle lane that is clearly indicated by some worn out paint and a few other random old road markings we couldn't be arsed to remove properly. This cycle lane lasts for the grand distance of 25 metres and stops at a particularly dangerous secondary junction, where motor vehicles will cut in front of you. Oh, did you go over that poorly-signed section of path that is actually safer to ride on, but we forgot to designate as a shared path? Sorry, I'm going to need all your personal details and £90, this should only take another 20 minutes.
Now, if you look to the left there are some blokes in a van who need to hurl abuse at you and swerve into you for their amusement. That will be closely followed by a lorry that cannot legally be on the road driven by someone who is tired and can't see anything around them. Some cars with people on mobile phones driving them will be milling around too-isn't modern communication wonderful! Don't worry if any of them run you over killing or maiming you, if they cry and say they didn't see you, they won't be prosecuted.
Ah, you're wondering about that traffic sign in the bike lane leading back to the carriageway? Ah yes, well, if you could just vanish into nothingness for a few seconds, you'll pass it without any bother. Cross over to the footpath for 5 metres though and I'll be needing another £90.
Just to let you know there's a Police officer from Operation Safeway round the corner who has just ticketed a couple of drivers and will need to give you a bollocking for something like not wearing a helmet or high viz. Yes I know that's not illegal, but how can they be seen to be fair if they don't randomly harass a load of cyclists whilst ignoring all the drivers stopped in the wonderful ASL we put in for you.
Please smile and wave as you go past the Mayor and the press who are here to celebrate the opening of this fantastic new cycling facility. We spent most of the cash putting in extra traffic lanes and on consultants who have much more important things to do than ride a bike themselves - that's what this tiny proportion of funding is for isn't it? Oh yes, and thanks for taking part in the consultation process, that submission you spent hours on was read by a secretary who filed it away neatly. Well, no, we couldn't do what the Dutch do, we have to find our own solutions and with these three traffic lanes, there just isn't room for a protected cycle track. We do have an exchanging places event next weekend though, where you can exchange with a lorry driver so you can be horrified at how little they can see around them. Er, no, it's actually a special kind of exchange where the driver can bore you to death about how terrible cyclists are; that's much better than making them have a go on a bike in traffic around other HGVs.
Pick your jaw off the ground and be on your way, I guess I'll be seeing you later though: we're doing a travel options survey down at the hospital. Oh, I almost forgot, have this glossy cycle map of all the half-arsed and non-existent cycle facilities in the area - yes that road is a cycle route. Why? Well we put it on this map and there's a painted bike symbol on the road that no-one understands and a couple of blue bike signs that community volunteers have helpfully added their own tips to, like 'f*ck cyclists' and then turned out of sight of drivers. Have a great day now! Urgh, glad that tosser's gone now. Bloody cyclists!"